There are 32 teams in the NFL, and since that nonsense kicks off this weekend (wordplay!), I chose to have 32 things to say – one for each team.
Arizona Cardinals: They’ve got a great defense spearheaded by Tyrann Mathieu and an explosive offense that goes two deep at every skill position – which means that it will be that much more disappointing when Mathieu and Carson Palmer inevitably get hurt at the worst possible time.
Atlanta Falcons: Can you name their head coach? I’ll give you a second… Time’s up. It’s Dan Quinn, a guy that got famous by standing next to Pete Carroll during a Super Bowl. The former mastermind of the Seahawks’ defense went 8-8 in his first season with Atlanta and his defense settled in the dead middle of the pack.
Baltimore Ravens: As much as I love John Harbaugh, it’s easy to see why people find him unlikeable. He’s brash, arrogant, and polarizing. John, on the other hand, has all of those undesirable traits with none of the charisma. And, this is the franchise that railroaded Ray Rice’s wife when investigating the assault case.
Buffalo Bills: Rex Ryan was a lot of fun when he first came into the league, but since peaking at 11-5 in his second year with the Jets, Ryan’s charming bluster has become white noise. He hasn’t coached a team to a record above .500 since 2010, and as long as Rex’s quarterbacks continue to ignore Sammy Watkins, that won’t change this season.
Carolina Panthers: Cam Newton bailed on that fumble in the Super Bowl, and you can’t be that guy if you’re gonna dab after every big play.
Chicago Bears: Jay Cutler doesn’t vaccinate his kids.
Cincinnati Bengals: This is arguable the most talented roster in football, which will make it that much more fascinating when they become mental midgets in the playoffs.
Cleveland Browns: A perpetual factory of sadness.
Denver Broncos: Their quarterback is a guy named Trevor Siemian, who nobody had ever heard of until this offseason. That defense though…
Green Bay Packers: Aaron Rodgers will do Aaron Rodgers things, but this team will ultimately be undone by that boob Mike McCarthy and his defensive coordinator Dom Capers, who is singlehandedly responsible for making Colin Kaepernick look like a star.
Houston Texans: J.J. Watt is a phony and they’ve hitched their wagon to a quarterback that wasn’t able to beat out a one-legged Peyton Manning. The Broncos rejected this guy in favor of Trevor Siemian. That’s not good.
Indianapolis Colts: They’ve fallen face-first into two straight once-in-a-generation quarterbacks, and by the end of Andrew Luck’s career, they will have just one ring to show for it because their GM is a doofus.
Jacksonville Jaguars: They have installed a pool at their stadium to distract from the on-field product.
Kansas City Chiefs:
Los Angeles Rams: It’s a good thing they have Todd Gurley, because Jared Goff was a waste of a draft pick.
Miami Dolphins: Their most expensive player doesn’t listen to his coaches.
New England Patriots: Tom Brady might be a great quarterback, but he’s a lousy friend.
New Orleans Saints: The Saints have gone 7-9 in three of the past four seasons, Drew Brees isn’t getting any younger, and the defense is still putrid.
New York Giants: Somehow, this guy won you two Super Bowls.
Oakland Raiders: The Warriors blew a 3-1 lead to the Cavs.
Philadelphia Eagles: Carson Wentz is a fraud that forgot that his rough-and-tumble brand of hard-nosed North Dakota football was played inside the comfort of a dome.
Pittsburgh Steelers: These dudes smoke a bunch of weed.
San Diego Chargers: The Chargers made a laughingstock of themselves when they struggled to sign their first-round pick and then bashed him in the media.
San Francisco 49ers: Oof.
Seattle Seahawks: This is perpetually the luckiest team in football, which is why nobody felt bad for them when this happened.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: I’m not the first to say this, but despite all of his, um, *polarizing* attributes, this will be the last year that we can pretend he’s not one of the best quarterbacks in the league. His best receiver, Mike Evans, will be a huge fantasy player this year.
Tennessee Titans: With Marcus Mariota, Derrick Henry, and DeMarco Murray, the Titans should be interesting. Unfortunately, their coach is Mike Mularkey, which means it won’t be interesting at all.
Washington Football Team: There is a special place in hell for Dan Snyder.