Did your favorite team lose in their opening game of the playoffs? Is your team not even in the playoffs and you’re feeling a little sad? Then here’s something to take your mind off of the sorrow.

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Any blog site can give you the “Keys to the series” about a specific matchup in the round one of the playoffs but that’s not any fun. That’s been done to death and it’s a very easy Google search that spits out a million suggestions. Instead, let’s give you something that I think is a lot more entertaining. I give to you five of the funniest storylines from the teams that made it into the playoffs. These are storylines that made you either laugh or  raise an eyebrow  in the regular season. Some of these storylines are funny one liners and some of them may bleed into the playoffs. We’ll start with the Eastern Conference today and move to the west, next week.

Again, I could have given you funny things from the non-playoff teams but that would be mean. After all, the New York Knicks and the Philadelphia 76ers have given fans enough reason to drink over the past year. This would be piling on.

For instance, some teams give away two free tacos after the home team scores 100 points and they win. If you’re in Sacramento and the Kings win the game and score 100 or more points fans get two free tacos to Jack in the Box. The tacos are cheap, but it’s still a thank you for going to the game.

The 76ers on the other hand, raised the stakes because they knew they were going to be bad. What did the 76ers do? They decided to give away 50% coupons if the 76ers won a game. Forget about scoring 100 points or anything like that. A simple win means half off a pizza. Also, if you bought a large pizza with the promo code SIXERS776 you got the pizza for $7.76. They wanted fans at the game so badly they had to basically give fans a pizza and a half for $7.76.

http://www.nba.com/sixers/news/philadelphia-76ers-announce-sixers-win-you-win-promotion-papa-johns

On a side note, why is the Philadelphia 76ers promo SIXERS776 and the pizza $7.76? Shouldn’t you make it $7.60 or give bread sticks for $0.76? It seems weird.

Also, to keep with the food giveaway theme, on the final home game of the season the New York Knicks let fans take away whatever they wanted from the concession stands. If you wanted ten bags of popcorn, take it. If you wanted to eat 65 hot dogs (you know, to equal the number of losses this year) go ahead. FREE CONCESSIONS! The Knicks…

I got off topic. I said I wouldn’t be mean. Anyways… for the humor of the teams that have made it to the playoffs I start off with the Atlanta Hawks…

 

ATLANTA HAWKS

Their Comedy Act: Executive of the Year and Low Attendance

For those who don’t know, Danny Ferry is the general manager of the Atlanta Hawks. Danny Ferry is responsible for assembling an Atlanta Hawks roster that has the most wins in the Eastern Conference. Danny Ferry also is someone who was caught making some unflattering racial remarks about NBA player Luol Deng. Now, because of those remarks, Ferry hasn’t been seen since, literally. Have you heard a single word from Ferry since the news broke? The man is in some sort of racial Alcatraz purgatory by himself. Nobody has heard from him since.

That part isn’t the funny part. The funny part comes when you realize that the Atlanta Hawks are 60-22. It’s a great season for the Hawks and something that the team should be proud of. However, he put this team together and now is the time when teams list their executives for the “Executive of the Year” award. In any other year Ferry would be the perfect choice. Instead, they can’t really trot him out on a float and support him. So what did they do? They nominated the coach, Mike Budenholzer, as the executive as a way to not totally embarrass themselves. Poor Hawks.

One more thing, the fans don’t go to the games.

Now, this seems a little mean to say to the people of Atlanta but on behalf of the city of Seattle and every other city that doesn’t have an NBA team, “Why can’t you support the team with attendance?” I know your team isn’t flashy and doesn’t give you fond memories of the Dominique Wilkins days. Everyone understands that, but the attendance for the Hawks is 23rd in the league. The fans only fill 91.9% of the arena. The Philadelphia 76ers are the worst with attendance at 79.9%, but I can understand that. They treat legitimate NBA talent like the plague and get rid of anyone who isn’t young and filled with potential. The Hawks are the best team in the east. They’ve won the most games in the history of the franchise and the fans still refuse to go.

If you want to do some comparison-shopping with that, take a look at the New York Knicks. That team gives the fans no reason to show up and they still show up at a 95.4% clip. This is the same Knicks team who’s leading scorer is Carmelo Anthony. He played only 40 games and he’s scored more total points than anybody on the team. He has more points than Amare Stoudemire and Andrea Bargnani combined and the fans still show up. Honestly I could write a 2,000 word piece about the insane asylum that is the Knicks this year but, for now, we’re off to the Cavaliers.

 

Cleveland Cavaliers

Their Comedy Act:  David Blatt/ Trading for JR Smith… That Totally Worked Out

Do you understand how close David Blatt was to getting fired this season? The team started off 19-20 and LeBron took a few weeks off in the middle of the season. Bristol, Conn. even made a story about LeBron pushing Blatt off to the side. They looked like a fringe playoff team in the East. (Which is really bad.) So, what do they decide to do? Well, let’s make some trades and shake up the team.

The decision was to bring in the human MEME of Timofey Mozgov and the one and only J.R. Smith… and it WORKED! It worked on such a fantastic level that everybody who wanted to see the Cavs crash and burn had to eat it. Any David Blatt jokes have to be put off to the side. Do you understand that the addition of J.R. Smith is looked at as a calming presence? That’s really hard to do. Follow this link if you are not aware of whom JR is. It won’t disappoint.

http://www.complex.com/sports/2013/03/jr-smiths-craziest-twitter-moments/jr-smith-breaks-up-with-k-michelle-on-twitter

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 Toronto Raptors

Their Comedy Act: Lou Williams’ Girlfriends

Lou Williams, ladies and gentlemen, had a girlfriend who also had a girlfriend that he was also dating. Yes, you read that sentence correctly. The man had a girlfriend, who also had a girlfriend and they dated each other. Insert whatever “Big Love” polygamy jokes you want to but it’s true. They arent together anymore but they were. That’s all I’m going to say about that. You have Google at home. Enjoy.

 

Washington Wizards

Their Comedy Act: It’s Paul Pierce’s Mouth He Can Say What He Wants To

Recently Paul Pierce, along with the help of Jackie MacMullan, decided to air out his grievances at some of the players that he’s played with over the years.

He said of Deron Williams, “Before I got there I looked at Deron as an MVP candidate. But I felt once we got there, that’s not what he wanted to be. He just didn’t want that.”

Then, he decided to sideswipe LeBron James by saying, “I always say I wish I was in my prime matching up with LeBron. Let’s see how many championships he would have won.”

He said some other things about Joe Johnson, Ray Allen, John Wall and Bradley Beal but nothing too inflammatory.

He said the LeBron James things with a smirk but he’s officially at that old man stage where you can say anything you want and it doesn’t matter. Whatever you think of Pierce wasn’t changing with what he said. He could say whatever he wanted. He has a ring and that makes his words mean more in the media’s eyes.  It wasn’t on the same level as Kobe Bryant going after Smush Parker, but it still allowed the media to feed for a day.

 

Brooklyn Nets

Their Comedy Act: All of Their Upcoming Draft Picks are Gone

The Nets aren’t a good team. This year they finished 38-44 and made it into the playoffs as the final seed in a bad Eastern Conference. Ever since Mikhail Prokhorov bought the team it’s been a slightly above average team. This isn’t Prokhorov’s fault, but they never contended for a title in any meaningful way as long as he’s been the owner. However, this year they had pressure to win because, well, they had no other choice really.

The Nets don’t control their pick this year; the Hawks do. If the Hawks want to, they can swap first round picks with the Nets. So, if the Nets tanked and got a top five draft pick, then Atlanta can take it and give their pick, which is the 2nd best in the NBA. If they made a deep run and traded for good players then maybe Atlanta lets them keep it.

There’s one problem with the hope of trading for a good player. They don’t have any picks to trade away in order to get good players. Also, the players that they have aren’t as good as their contracts say they should be. Deron Williams and Joe Johnson have two of the top eight highest salaries this year and they’ve combined to make one All-Star team in the last three years.

Wait, we’re not done. In the 2016 NBA draft the Boston Celtics get the Nets first round pick. In 2017 the Celtics can swap first round picks with the Nets and in 2018 the Celtics get the Nets first round pick.

So, basically, if the Nets are bad they have no way of getting better through the draft and it doesn’t help to be bad this year. Their best shot is to get their head caved in by the Hawks (who can swap picks with them) in the playoffs. Poor Nets fans.

As a final act of comedy I give you comedy clips of Rasheed Wallace and Bill Walton. You’re welcome.

 

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