By Damien Barling

In light of the brawl between the Giants and the Nationals, led by Hunter Strickland and Bryce Harper, I’ve attempted to compile a list, similar to Jericho’s, of the absolute stupidest unwritten rules attributed to America’s past time. I didn’t rank them because they’re all stupid enough to be ranked number 1.

DON’T TALK TO A PITCHER WHO IS PITCHING A NO HITTER
Obviously the pitcher doesn’t know he’s pitching a no hitter. If you tell him, he’ll know. If he knows, he’ll give up a hit.

GET OFF MY MOUND
I have no idea. It involves Alex Rodriguiez and Dallas Braden. Dallas Braden threw a no-hitter on Mother’s Day. I remember him more for yelling, “Get off my mound!!!”

DON’T STEAL BASES OR BUNT WHILE LEADING BY A LOT
This is little league. Everyone gets oranges when the game is over. Also, whats a lot? 5? 8? 10? Definitely want to step off the gas… we’ve never seen big comebacks in baseball before. It just doesn’t happen.

YOU ARE CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATED BY BASEBALL LAW TO RETALIATE
If your best hitter gets hit, you hit their best hitter. Pitchers understand thats part of the job. Whats unclear is the conversion chart of hit batters. You can’t hit a star player if you’re retaliating for someone hit at the bottom of the line up, right? Is there a batting average conversion chart? Is there a sheet each manager has similar to NFL coaches and their “Go for 2” chart?

NEVER SELL BEING HIT BY A PITCH
Especially when you know its on purpose. Don’t touch. Don’t rub. Don’t look. Take your base. Act like nothing happened.

NEVER HAVE FUN!!! NEVER TRY TO LOOK COOL!!! NEVER APPEAR TO HAPPY!!!
I know that seems like 3 different rules. Its not. It’s one. NO FUN!!! No bat flips. No watching homers. No enjoying yourself. No making a game in the middle of July anything more then a game everyone just desperately wants to end. Fun and happiness may result in increased viewership, potentially charismatic personalities emerging from a sport that virtually has none, and the end of game that is so antiquated its becoming virtually impossible to attract new fans. We can’t have that!!!

And finally…

NO MATTER HOW LONG AGO IT WAS, NEVER FORGET YOU WERE WRONGED (AND BY WRONGED I MEAN YOU GAVE UP A HOMERUN… OR TWO TO ONE RATHER COCKY INDIVIDUAL) EVEN IF SAID WRONG HAD NO OUTCOME ON THE SERIES AND YOU ULTIMATELY WON THE WORLD SERIES
Kinda explains itself.

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