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The Best (Worst) Of SkyMall

January 2, 2014 1:34 PM

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This article is from Thrillist Nation

Few products can lay claim to being useless, fug, and borderline offensive in equal measure. As this dubious trifecta applies cover-to-cover at SkyMall, you’d have to be high on pressurized air to exchange money for anything they sell. We’ve scoured through the murky depths of the inflight mag to find you the most incredible atrocities — whittling them down to 15 just may’ve been the hardest thing we’ve ever done.

 

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15. Magic Wand Remote Control
SkyMall says: “Forged with a motion-sensing accelerometer, it detects the hand’s nuanced movements to translate 13 distinct gestures. Other motions of legerdemain, such as quick taps to pause/ play a DVD, forward/ backward thrusts, and dramatic sweeps can be matched to nearly any existing remote’s functions”. $89.95
Our take: N-E-R-D
You’ll use it: Every time your Harry Potter fan club convenes at your house. Or to pick up chicks at Comic-Con, because nothing works quite like “wanna see my magic wand?”

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14. Day of the Week Clock
SkyMall says: “This is the patented wall clock that at a glance answers the query ‘what day is it?’ Providing a simple, gentle alternative to noisy alarms, the clock reminds those with unrestricted schedules of a volunteer commitment, a weekly shopping trip, or a recurring luncheon date”. $49.95
Our take: Solving that age-old, pesky problem of waking up and wondering ‘what day is it?’ Gold.
You’ll use it: Just after glancing at your other patented clock with tiny hands indicating “pants are on” and “pants are off”.

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5. Basho the Sumo Wrestler Table
SkyMall says: “Basho crouches in his mawashi (Sumo belt) in these intricate sculpts with wide stances”. $249
Our take: Just like the Mexican chair people in the Brüno movie, except Basho looks like he’s about to leave a mess on your carpet.
You’ll use it: To put up your feet and indulge in colonial lord fantasies.

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4. The Human Slingshot
SkyMall says: “The Human Slingshot is a fresh new game, unlike anything you’ve seen, and is guaranteed to be a big hit whether you’re playing or watching. It’s an exhilarating, fast-paced game that involves four people slinging each other back and forth within a human-sized stretchable band”. $99.99
Our take: Suicidal fun? A definite crowd-pleaser.
You’ll use it: Once, when a foolish (i.e. drunk) friend volunteers. Then, when he breaks his neck, it goes straight into the back of your closet. Which is when you realize you can use it to sling that goat off a cliff to appease the cobra goddesses.

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3. Portable Security Door Device
SkyMall says: “Find peace of mind by preventing unwanted intrusions into your room and provides peace of mind [sic]“. $24.99
Our take: Twice the peace of mind? Likely this will be on top of every teenage boys’ Christmas wish list.
You’ll use it: Every time you want to play Candy Crush in your office. Why, what did you think we were doing in there?

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2. Custom Pet Portrait Canvas
SkyMall Says: “Double-takes will abound. Send any color photo and our computer artists will give your pet a particularly regal bearing and transfer the image onto a canvas”. $49-$89.95
Our take: Double-takes indeed. Why should people have to get to know you to realize you’re a pet-obsessed weirdo, when they can get the hint within seconds of entering your home?
You’ll use it: As the perfect gift for your pet’s surprise birthday party.

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1. One-of-a-Kind Shirt
SkyMall says: “A One-of-a-Kind shirt allows you to show that you’re an individual, that you’re a little different than everyone else, and you want them to take notice of who you are. These shirts are great for a night on the town, frat parties, bachelor parties, stag parties, or any other time you want to stand out in a crowd”. $129.99
Our take: What they said. But they failed to mention that this Frankenstein shirt is also eco-friendly, as it was made from scraps found on the factory floor… in China.
You’ll use it: Depends on whether you want to get laid ever again.

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13. NFL Wine Shoe Holder
SkyMall says: “Add feminine flair to your game day decorating. A hand-painted, embossed wine bottle holder shaped like a pump and accented with rhinestones is sure to be a crowd pleaser”. $36.99
Our take: Trying to hit multiple niche markets — fancy female football fans who also love wine and footwear — and missing the mark on all but “those with hideous taste”.
You’ll use it: As a weapon.

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12. Cobra Goddesses Sconce
SkyMall says: “Create dimension and drama in any room. Crafted of quality designer resin and finished in a rich, antiqued gold, these wall accents add drama and historic interest from the ancient ‘goddess of good fortune’”. $29.95
Our take: The perfect pop of whimsy for your BDSM dungeon.
You’ll use it: You were planning on sacrificing a goat this weekend, right?

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11. Beer Pager
SkyMall says: “Anyone who’s ever located their car using the keychain’s alarm button will recognize the genius of the Beer Pager. A drink holder that’s wired for sound, simply press the remote and it calls out with a burp and flashing lights”. $24.95
Our take: Who loses their beer? Who loses it close enough to see flashing lights? Won’t it be warm and nasty by the time you’ve located it? What is this madness?
You’ll use it: Anytime you feel like getting viciously harassed by your friends at a party.

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10. Faux Men’s Shirt 
SkyMall says: “Now you can have all the tattoos without the pain! This fun and flirty tee has all the ink you need!” $39.95
Our take: Now you can look like a total douchebro, without the pain of stupidity! And only if you’re white!
You’ll use it: To hit on a biker’s wife old lady at the next Hell’s Angel mixer, before getting stabbed.

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9. Personalized Sand Names Print
SkyMall says: “This memory will not wash away. Just give us two names and we’ll create a one-of-a-kind print featuring your two names in the sand”. $39.99-$69.99
Our take: Heck yeah — we’d rather spend cash on a photoshopped piece of crap than very easily making our own memories.
You’ll use it: Next time you feel like reliably ending a relationship without actually having to bust out the “it’s not you, it’s me.”

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8. Peacock’s Garden Sculpture
SkyMall says: “With graceful lines and explosive color, the regal peacock wraps his plumage around a timelessly classic plinth in this Toscano-exclusive work of decorative art sure to command attention”. $69.95
Our take: Clearly, garden gnomes were too pedestrian. This peacock, however, is for a worldly man of class and taste.
You’ll use it: To throw off potential burglars by showing them there’s really nothing of worth in your home.

Related: The World’s Biggest Ship Graveyard

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7. Fold-And-Go Wooden Jigsaw Table
SkyMall says: “Pop out the reinforced support legs, open the cover, and get ready for puzzling. Assembly area is also covered with non-slip felt and includes a unique magnetic bar to hold your puzzle box in place for easy reference. A must-have for every puzzle enthusiast”. $169.99
Our take: “I don’t always solve jigsaw puzzles, but when I do, I take them everywhere”.
You’ll use it: Nothing says “the most interesting man in the world” like bringing a jigsaw puzzle to the bar. 

Related: Must-Hit NY Beercation Breweries

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6. The Siamese Slanket
SkyMall says: “The Siamese Slanket is a gigantic fleece blanket with sleeves for two! A very soft-to-the-touch, lightweight, but warm fleece blanket with large, loose sleeves designed so you don’t feel like you’re wearing the blanket, simply wrapped up in its wonder”. $40.99
Our take: The Siamese Slanket is a metaphor for unsustainable codependency. We’re here to help: Step 1) You’re wearing a Siamese Slanket; Step 2) Realize everything in your apartment’s been replaced by your girlfriend; Step 3) Comprehend you haven’t used the words “I”, “me”, or “mine” in months; Step 4) Throw off the Siamese Slanket like it’s covered in fire ants; Step 5) Ditch the controlling nag; Step 6) Grow back a pair.
You’ll use it: The cheapo material is highly flammable; failing Step 4, self-immolate.

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